The Acceptance of Rejection- Parshat Va’etkhanan

14 Av, 5775 

When I was in the fifth grade I went to a summer camp called, “Le Camp”. It was a day camp, so every day I was schlepped back and forth by my parents- except for one day.  Once per summer, we had a sleepover. The sleepover evening would begin with a dance in the barn. Later, we slept in our sleeping bags out in a huge field.

I was at the age when girls were first becoming interesting. During the dance part, there was a girl I was dancing with for most of the night. I guess I got it in my head that this girl liked me, and during the sleeping-bags-in-the-field part, I kept trying to sneak out of the “boys area” and into the “girls area” so I could go see that her.

At some point a counselor caught me. “Brian, stop bothering the girls!”

“No you don’t understand,” I pleaded (etkhanan), “they want me to be here!” after which that girl and several of her friends cried out, “NO WE DON’T!”

Rejection!

Sometimes we think we are wanted, but we are not. That’s just the truth. The person who thinks he’s wanted despite all protestations is an egomaniac. Kids can be like egomaniacs sometimes, and at some point, the delusion is toppled: “No, you really are annoying the hell out of me and I want you to STOP!”

But these kinds of hurtful childhood experiences can also create another kind of misperception into adulthood: it can create a self-image that you have nothing to offer, that people don’t need or want you.

Recently I was in a situation where I wanted to help someone, but I wasn’t being asked for help. In my post “LeCamp” psychology, I didn’t offer anything, because I thought that if my help was wanted, I would be asked.

As time went on, however, I could see that I would never be asked- not because my help wasn’t wanted, but because the person wasn’t comfortable asking.

So, I gathered my will against my personality, offered my help directly, and it was promptly accepted! So easy.

In this week’s reading, Moses tells the Israelites about how he pleaded (etkhanan) with God to let him enter the Promised Land.

Moses says:

“Va’etkhanan el Hashem baeit hahi leimor- I pleaded with God at that time, saying… please let me cross and see the good land on the other side of the Jordan!”

But God doesn’t let him.

Moses, the beloved prophet who “knows God face to face” is rejected.

But does Moses develop a bad self-image and stop doing his job? Not at all. A few verses later, Moses says, “V’atah Yisrael sh’ma- and now Israel, listen!” He then goes on teaching them the Torah that he was called upon to transmit.

Sometimes our offers are accepted, and sometimes they are rejected. But if you shut down when you are rejected and stop offering, you may miss your real calling.

And furthermore, what’s wrong with being rejected anyway?

If rejection feels bad, it’s because there is a self-image that is feeding off the desire to be appreciated. That ego, that separate self-sense, is quite natural, but ultimately it is a burden. When the ego is bruised, take that as medicine. Accept the pain- let it burn away the ego’s substance. Ultimately, the pain will be liberating, and in that liberation is real intimacy- intimacy with the plain and radiant present, with the simple bliss of being.

After all, when you are pleading for something, it’s because you desire some kind of completion. But when the pain of rejection burns away the very source of incompleteness, then the rejection itself can actually be the fulfillment!

There is a story that Reb Beirish of Alisk once went to spend Shabbos with his childhood friend-turned-rebbe, Reb Uri of Strelisk.

At the Shabbos table, Reb Uri turned to his hassid: “Rav of Alisk! Could you perhaps honor us with some spontaneous words of Torah, some words that you have not prepared?”

Immediately Reb Beirish answered, “It is written, ‘Va’etkhanan el Hashem ba eit hahi leimor- I pleaded with God at that time, saying.’ You see, in order for me to say something spontaneously at that time- meaning at this time, unprepared, I have to plead with God!

Reb Beirish had nothing to say except his plea that he should have something to say, and that plea itself became his words of Torah!

This Shabbos V’etkhanan is also known as Shabbos Nakhamu- the "Shabbat of Comfort", named from the Haftora reading. On this Shabbat of Comfort, may you be blessed with the confidence to know that you are needed for something quite unique, something no one else can offer. And, when your offerings are rejected, may you be blessed to bring your awareness deep into the present experience of that rejection, so that any trace of the “Wounded Me” gently dissolves into the spacious calm of the Timeless.

Good Shabbos!
-b yosef